Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
