I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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