apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
