i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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