I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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