OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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