Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
