you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
