then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
