Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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