The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
