My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
