I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
