You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Randomize
