It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
