Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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