Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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