how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
