we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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