Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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