I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
