I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
