from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
