Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
