Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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