I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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