The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think my vagina is haunted
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
