Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize