I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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