im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You are the jesus of drinking
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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