Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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