i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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