hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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