He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
