He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize