WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
