Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
