It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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