Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
