A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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