oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
