you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
