I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
