And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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