She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
