sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Randomize
