I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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