It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
