Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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