I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
