grandma shit on top of the toilet
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
