i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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