I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
