i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
