So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
